Sitting here on the floor laptop in hand, I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe Something has changed. Something deep inside me, I know that everything looks the same, everything smells the same, but nothing feels the same. I have a tingling in my gut that hasn’t left me since the day my Aunt passed away. My new found and unlikely friend (to remain unnamed) tells me I’m feeling the beginnings of a transformation. I’m cracking up because I have no idea what that might mean, I’m shaking inside because it scares the HELL out of me to think about what it could be.
I think I’m just going crazy, like my grandma, I mean she isn’t insane, but sometimes the stories she tells me scare me. Sometimes the things she says and does, scare me. I feel restless, like a cat in a cage clawing to get out. Like a cloud filled with rain waiting to erupt, and that is putting it mildly. I have avoided being alone at all cost, feeling I could lose control. Of what? I have no idea. I can’t stop bouncing my legs up and down or side to side. I keep telling myself maybe I have RLS.
Thursday upon leaving work and arriving at the bus terminal, the strangest thing happened. I was walking down the middle walkway and I felt this prickly sensation and my body broke out in goosebumps. I look up from the floor where I try to keep my gaze because of the bums and homeless people that hang around there and scan the area. Nothing seems out of place. I get the urge to look up. I swear I saw someone or something back away from the opening of the top of the cover, like they were watching me. I stand there for a few seconds looking up, wondering if it is my overactive imagination. Has to be. I bring my eyes back to the concrete and start walking again. Suddenly I feel like someone punches me in the chest. I hiss sucking in my breath and I can’t for the life of me get it out it’s like it’s stuck there and I keep telling myself not to panic. I reach for the wall just a few inches away. I see sparkly lights coming into view and my vision starts to tunnel. I look up again and sure enough the person or thing goes just out of view again. I finally let out my held breath and try to start breathing again, I’m panting. I can’t catch my breath and I feel like I’m going to pass out. My hands are shaking and I keep looking up, searching for whoever is up there. I see nothing but the sky. I’m going crazy, I know it. I just had a panic attack and It’s causing me to see things, or imagine things.
the above paragraph is not an excerpt from one of the supernatural books I’ve been reading. It is an actual event that took place on Thursday and I have desperately been trying to rationalize it. I mentioned having a panic attack to my dear Tito and he said to stop stressing out. How can I, I have a history of depression, and a couple of suicide attempts from when I was a reckless lonely teenager. I would never dream of taking my life or hurting someone else but something isn’t right. My unlikely friend, as I mentioned before, keeps telling me that this feeling will pass once I settle into the change. Is he crazy? Is he too hallucinating and should I trust him?
All I know is that my feelings are all over the place and I can’t seem to focus on absolutely anything. I’m frightened and nervous wreck. This storm has made me worse as if the wind and rain are inside me churning as the storm rages on.