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A Witch's Path. . .

a path worth taking. . .

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Women

Enough of Enough is Enough!

All we had is gone now. As much as I hate to admit it, there is nothing left. Once again here I sit for Goddess know the how many’th time. . . The difference is that this time I’m playing my cards right. I’m going to get my shit together and let you do the same. It’s over. There is nothing we can do to take back all of the pain we have brought to each other. There isn’t a remedy for what we both suffer. Just when I think things are getting better, one of us goes and fucks it all up. We’ve tried, I’ve tried, over and over. Not a million songs or a million words or a million emotions cold ever put into words the things you have made me feel, the feelings you have brought into my heart. You say you love me, but I’m not sure you like me anymore. I’m not who I used to be and sadly you remain the same. I want more out of life and you seem to have given up. I’ve hurt you in more ways than I can count, just as you hurt me. I wouldn’t dare say we are even, because no one wins when two people are hurting. I know my heart will never be the same, and you might not believe this because we’ve been her before, but this is the last time. This was the last chance, you said you would change all these things and you haven’t even made an effort. I’ve changed in so many ways because of you and for you. I thank you because it has made me a better and stronger person.

I guess it was just a matter of time. . .

 

How could I be so stupid
how could I believe
that this time would be different
that you would change for me

Now here I am just crying
for some silly dream
And deep inside I’m dying
Regretting everything

My friend said I’d regret it
I knew it from the start
Now you can just forget it
Again you broke my heart

this pain is for a reason
I know this much is true
This love was for a season
No time for feeling blue

This time I’m not returning
It’s time to say goodbye
My heart’s no longer yearning
I don’t know why I cry

Maybe it’s disappointment
I know I tried my best
For this there is no treatment
life put me through this test

 

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The thing is . . .

I’m afraid the only day you’ll care about me is when I’m not around to hear you say it. I’m just a part of the scenery, like an old shoe or a rug that you walk on every day but don’t even really see. You can ignore me as long as you want but you can never change memories I brought in your life.

I guess I’m just tired, I’m tired of being bitched at, of being laughed at, of being made fun of, feeling ugly, of being ignored, of feeling unloved, of no one caring, of pretending to be happy when all I want to do is cry. It’s hard to admit that someone DOESN’T love you back. So, you hold on to them until you have no choice but to admit it.

When being in a relationship hurts you, leave. Don’t stay and keep drowning because love isn’t suppose to be painful. The again, if you put someone above you don’t be surprised when they start acting like you’re beneath them. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that some people will always stay in your heart, even if you are already gone in theirs. The worst part is, when two people in love breakup, they cant be friends, as they hurt each other. They cant be enemies, as once they loved each other. The only thing they can be is the most familiar strangers.

Any man that tries to downgrade you from a Queen to a Pawn, is looking for a Checkmate, not a Soulmate. Don’t get confused. I’m learning how to pick my battles and fighting with you isn’t one of them. It should be us against the world not us against each other. Every relationship is going to have bad times. It’s up to you to decide whether or not the person you’re with is worth working through those times. I should let you go. Not because I don’t LOVE you but because me loving you will never be enough.

What hurts more than losing you is knowing you’re not even fighting to keep me. I never wanted anything, other than to be your everything. Some people say it’s painful to forget someone you love. Some people say it’s painful to wait for someone you love. But I say the worst pain comes when you don’t know whether to wait or to forget. . .

Fifty Shades of Literary Porn?? I think not!

In my twenty-seven years (well technically15 years) of reading fiction and romance novels, never have I been so consumed by the story-line, characters and plot of a book. I think that the term that is commonly being used is “Greysessed” (Grey and Obsessed combined, for those of you who are not familiar). I’m most definitely a Greysessor! I’m so guilty I am secretly wishing Christian Grey reads my blog and stalks me just to put me over his knee. . . Sorry back to reality. . .

I hear a lot of people, angry and disgusted and even appalled by the very thought of literary pornography. Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy goes beyond literary porn. It brings you so many different levels of emotion. It captivates your heart, it enslaves you emotions and warms your loins. The experiences that Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele take you through show you not only the pleasures of the flesh, but the ruthlessness of true and unconditional love. Love that goes beyond good and evil. Love that heals and sates you on every level. You not only see two people falling in love or lust, you see two people changing and compromising for the sake of love.

I like to think that sometimes people react negatively to something such as this work of art because they feel pangs of guilt for the emotions that they have tried to suppress for so long and now they are there in black and white for everyone to see. What a spectacle! What a calamity! They deepest and darkest have been brought to life in a way that they never thought possible. Now, in an effort to hide the truth they claim feelings of disgust and repugnance. What a calamity indeed. Others, my guess is, are unsure of how to react because this may be something new and invasive to them. The term ‘new’ or ‘different’ can bring out ugliness due to fear, fear that they may succumb to these abominable feelings. Then we have the men who, well, let’s face it, they are insecure. There is no other explanation to it.

To make a point, I have quite a few friends, male friends, who went out and bought their wives and girlfriends the trilogy. Why? Simply because it doesn’t scare them to think that their wife is reading a book about the fictional perfect man. But what most people don’t get is this: Christian Grey is far from perfect! One of my favorite lines in the book is as follows:

– “Why don’t you like to be touched?”
– “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia”

and he truly is. He has not only mommy issues but control issues along with 50 other shades of issues I can’t even begin to tell you about. He is a tortured and broken soul. Anastasia Steele is definitely the superhero in this novela. She, with her virginal self, saves him from his self loathing and shows him not only that he is worthy of being loved, but that he too can love. She teaches him that not everyone can be controlled, while he shows her that it’s beautiful to have the finer things in life.

People who actually stop and read the book realize that Christian Grey becomes the perfect man because Anastasia molds him and changes him in a way that makes him the perfect man. Yes no man will ever compare. So, women everywhere are hoping nwo to find that broken soul to fix and mold into Christian . . .

Men, stop hating on Christian Grey! Women stop trying to find him, he doesn’t exist! Be happy to have read and been part of a beautiful and unforgettable story that has most definitely changed the course of romance literature for eternity.

I really didn’t want to touch on this but I feel that it is necessary. There is one other group of people that are raging against the Fifty Shades of Grey Phenomenon: The deeply Religious. Please understand that I respect the fact that you feel a close connection to God and that you believe that reading such materials will taint or ruin your soul. But please, I beg of you, just as we respect your religion and religious opinions, respect the fact that we do not believe we are going to hell for engaging in some reading that at most spikes our imagination and makes us go home and be more eager to please our spouses. If that is a sin, well, then should God not be the judge and not some other human. We get it you won’t read it. Good for you. Leave us alone. Is it not us who will go to hell? Explain to me how that affects your life in any way. It doesn’t now does it?

That being said I just want to remind everyone that being a sexual person is nothing to be ashamed of. Be adults about it. Protect yourself. Do not go out looking for a Dom without having proper Sub training. Do not go out on dates with people that you do not know without telling someone the name of the person and exactly where you are going and what time you expect to be back. Ladies, don’t expect to find Christian Grey in every CEO you run in to.

Also, don’t forget to check out my Facebook page Ian for CG on the Fifty Shades Movie.

Your silence makes me ill

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” ~ Sex and the City

Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. How is it possible, that the only man I have ever truly loved, can hurt me this much, simply by being silent?

Me: “Hi”

Him: “. . .”

Me: “You okay?”

Him: “. . . ”

Me: Frown . . . SMH

As I walk away form this conversation, I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I swallow hard so that I don’t shed a single one. Three days in a row of this silence. His face says it all but I know nothing of what it means. I’m not sure what happened between Saturday night and Sunday morning, but I woke up the man that I love was gone again and I was left with the shell of a man that I can’t stand to be with. It’s a “vicious cycle” as he once called it. He loves me. If he didn’t he’d have stayed long gone.

I think about when we first met, how we used to be so excited and anxious to be alone. Right now, being alone in the same room is tedious. He’s been through so much. He has so much going on in his head. I can feel the pain seeping through his pores. The pain of losing his identity, of losing himself, when he lost his mom. Olga, his best friend, his confidant, his go to girl. I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like. The worst part about it all is that although he misses his family sometimes, he is so hurt by them that he would NEVER seek them out. His mom was sacred, is sacred to him. He lived and breathed for her.

Some of you are probably wondering how any of that is my problem. Why should I worry he’s not my responsibility? right? You see, when I was down, when I was out, when I had NO ONE, not my mother, not my father, not my best friend, when I had nothing, no courage, no strength, no money, no job, and no will to carry me through, who was there? He was.

So on days like today, when I’m at my wits end because I have a paper due, I have work to do for an important organization, and I have to deal with the bordering panic attacks that come so suddenly, I don’t know how we will make it through. I just don’t have the patience for this anymore. I’m losing sleep, I’m stressing, and stretching myself thin as it is.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of just letting go. This silence is unwarranted and unwelcome. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried comforting. I’ve tried being silly. I’ve tried talking like an adult. I’ve tried playing bad cop, and being angry. I’ve tried being upset and crying. Nothing pushes back the silence. Sometimes it goes on for weeks. He won’t eat, he won’t sleep. I tried giving back the silent treatment, but it just kills me a little more inside.

So what do you do when nothing makes sense anymore and everything is a blur of unhappy moments? Do you let go of the only person you can count on? Is it a betrayal? A stab in the back? Should you just keep finding little kisses of patience to get you through every breaking moment? Should love ever be truly unconditional?

As I type I see a refereshed post from an old friend of mine:

“Don’t give up on the people you love. Your patient love and faithfulness may be exactly what they need to make a complete turnaround.”

I find this statement difficult to believe, if after 8 years a turnaround hasn’t even peeked at the horizon, who’s to say there is a horizon at all. . . Meanwhile the silence makes me ill

Sickness shows us what we are

Shortly after turning 15 I started noticing changes in myself that I was not happy with at all. The number one thing that make me cringe was the fact that no matter how many salads I ate or how many calories I counted, I was gaining weight. Looking at my family history and digging deeper didn’t even occur to me since I wasn’t close to any of my family really. At the time I chalked it up to stress and kept doing what I was doing. By the time I was 19 and according to the chart at the doctors office I was about 40 lbs overweight. I didn’t feel “overweight”. I didn’t look “overweight”. According to the BMI chart on the wall my BMI was 30. It was absolutely ridiculous. The Doctor was telling me that my average weight should be 130-150. I hadn’t weighed 150 since I was 10 or 11. I was active, I was healthy and now I was miserable.

After a few months of pouting around, I did the one thing in my life I will regret forever: I gave up on me. My mom was fat, my dad was fat, my grandma’s were both fat. I was just destined to be fat. FAT FAT FAT FAT!!! Looking in the mirror I saw a big ball of lard. (Mind you I’m 5’4 and only weight 180 at the time.) I hated myself and just gave up.

The road to healthy is about changing how you see yourself and how you see your life. Changing your lifestyle is not an easy thing to do. I’ve gone from diet to diet pills, starving myself to purging, down to becoming a regular Crack/cocaine user. I have tried it all, I have done it all.

In November of 2008, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I cried myself to sleep for weeks (including the 1 week I was in the hospital for DKA: Diabetic KetoAcidosis). My life as I knew it was over (at least in my mind). Here I was 23 years old with Diabetes. Doctor said “No drinking, no sweets, no pasta, no rice, no bread”. WTH WAS I SUPPOSED TO EAT?!!!!! He said “If you continue eating these things, you are going to die” I wanted to die. I wanted to crawl into a little hole and never be seen again. How embarrassing! I had the Fat disease!!! At least that is what I’d heard about it. “Only FAT people got diabetes.” “You keep eating all them sweets you’re going to get Diabetes.”

At 23 years old weighing in at 285 pounds I hated myself. I hated my life. When I went back to work from the hospital I had a lot of people supporting me and encouraging me to lose weight and eat healthy I gained a few walking partners. In 3 months I lost a total of 25 lbs. I still couldn’t look in the mirror because I could see the words FAT and DIABETES tattooed to my forehead. I couldn’t watch TV because there were all of these healthy SKINNY girls running around doing whatever it is that skinny girls

Diabetes is not a fat person disease. You don’t HAVE to dies from diabetes. If you do it’s because you chose to.

I was at the doctors last friday and I knew there was going to be bad news. For starters I’m now 27 and I weigh in at 260. She says to me “Donica, yours numbers are horrible, and that is the least of your problems.” I nod and turn my face to the floor, I did this, I am killing myself. “There is traces of sugar in your kidneys, this is very very dangerous. Sugar is poison to your kidneys. We have to get this sugar under control and your weight down. Your good cholesterol is very low. There is nothing we can do about that, it’s genetics. That just means you have to work THAT much harder to be healthy.” I nod and can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “Donica, look at me, have you ever heard of PCOS, has anyone ever screened you for this?” I look up at my doctor and see a thin beautiful older woman who is seriously concerned about me. “No, I’ve never heard of this and as far as I know no one has ever screened me for it. What is PCOS?”

Turns out, “PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common hormonal disorder in women that with interferes with the growth and release of eggs from the ovaries, or ovulation. It is the most common cause of infertility among women. PCOS occurs when a woman’s body overproduces sex hormones, called androgens. The hormone imbalance prevents fluid-filled sacs in the ovaries from breaking open and releasing mature eggs. The fluid-filled sacs bunch together, causing many tiny cysts. Symptoms of PCOS include missed periods, abnormal facial and body hair growth, acne, and weight gain. PCOS may run in families.” (WebMD)

Also according to Web MD early symptoms of PCOS include:

  • Few or no menstrual periodscamera. This can range from less than nine menstrual cycles in a year (more than 35 days between cycles) to no menstrual periods.2Some women with PCOS have regular periods but are not ovulating every month. This means that their ovaries are not releasing an egg each month.
  • Heavy, irregular vaginal bleeding. About 30% of women with PCOS have this symptom.3
  • Hair loss from the scalp and hair growth (hirsutism) on the face, chest, back,stomach, thumbs, or toes. About 70% of women in the United States with PCOS complain of these hair problems caused by high androgen levels.4
  • Acne and oily skin, caused by high androgen levels.
  • Depression or mood swings.

Living with PCOS symptoms can affect your sense of well-being, sexual satisfaction, and overall quality of life. This too can lead to depression.5 For more information, see the topic Depression or Depression in Children and Teens.

PCOS symptoms that may develop gradually include:

  • Weight gain or upper body obesity (more around the abdomen than the hips). This is linked to high androgen levels.4
  • Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair (alopecia). This is linked to high androgen levels.
  • Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known. These miscarriages may be linked to high insulin levels, delayed ovulation, or other problems such as the quality of the egg or how the egg attaches to the uterus.
  • Inability to become pregnant (infertility). This is because the ovaries are not releasing an egg (not ovulating).
  • Symptoms of too much insulin (hyperinsulinemia) and insulin resistance, which can include upper body weight gain and skin changes, such as skin tags or dark, velvety skin patches under the arm, on the neck, or in the groin and genital area.
  • Breathing problems while sleeping (obstructive sleep apnea). This is linked to both obesity and insulin resistance.2

High blood pressure may be more common in women who have PCOS, especially if they are very overweight. Your doctor will check your blood pressure.

(http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-symptoms)

I have every symptom that is listed in this article and my doctor saw it right away. “We are going to start treating this. I’m going to start you back on Metformin at the lowest dosage to see how you react to it and a water pill to see if we can get some weight off of you. That sound okay?” I nod. Still taking in this new information. She also tells me she wants me to “cut-back on the whites, meaning bread, pasta rice. Have whole grain things. They are good for you.” Wait WHAT? you mean I don’t have to STOP eating my favorite foods?? (sweet)

Affirmations to myself for the rest of my life:

I am going to be okay.

I am going to become healthy.

I am going to change my lifestyle.

I am going to finish college.

I am going to become a PhD.

I am going to help children.

I AM GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE!

 

No more miss nice girl, no more pity party, no more being a victim of genes. I am going to live my life to the fullest. I am going to make changes immediately. I emptied out my pantry and fridge of all this crap I have been consuming and I have replaced it with everything that is healthy. I hear once that “Sickness shows us what we are” . . . Well, I’m going to show you.

Fight for What YOU Want!

“When you want something you fight for it. But when you don’t you let it go …” ~ Stefanie Fiera Saltos

They say that in Love and War, all is fair. I disagree. It isn’t fair to hurt someone and then apologize thinking it will make it all better. It isn’t fair for one person to put in all of the effort to keep the relationship from crashing into a rocky ledge. If you decide to become a part of a relationship with another person, you have to be willing to put in the effort that it takes to keep up that relationship. Just because you scored the touchdown doesn’t mean you won the game.

Seldom do people (mostly men) realize that,  like when buying a new car, a relationship isn’t done when you leave the checkout lane. You have to tune it up once in a while, you have to oil it, you have to take it out on the town sometimes. A relationships work is never done. When in a relationship, you have to wake up everyday with the mindset that you are now sharing a life with someone and everything you do and say can and will affect the other person in the relationship. If you think that is too much for you, you don’t need to be in a relationship. Back away slowly and bee line in the other direction people!!

Relationships are NOT for everyone. We all need physical stimulation, we all need emotional stimulation, but we don’t all need two full time jobs and a relationship takes full time hours.

Another thing, loving someone and being in a relationship is two entirely different things. You could love someone and not be in a relationship with them. You could be in a relationship with someone and not love them. Either way: HARD WORK!

If you want it you can have it, go and get it if you can. You have to fight for what you want. you have to fight for what you want because if you don’t, no one is going to fight for you! No one eats sleeps or goes to relieve you for you, so why should someone fight your fight for the sake of love and relationships? If you aren’t willing to fight for love or th one you love no one else is going to fight for you. If you want something done right you have to do it yourself and if you don’t want to then you don’t want it.

Sometimes, as women, we need to remind ourselves that we are worth more than what most men give us value for. ~ Me

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