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A Witch's Path. . .

a path worth taking. . .

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Diversity, is beautiful. 

I wake up everyday and dread getting out of bed. I feel like my mind will shut down or break down any minute. I’m irate and irritable. I’m lost and confused. I’m drowning, sinking into this emotional abyss. I’m angry at the world we’re living in, where hating someone because of the color of their skin, or the fact that they love someone of the same sex, or because a woman is fat, or because a man shows emotion, or because you don’t look, think, speak or feel like I do.

Diversity, is beautiful. The way you wear your hair, the cost of your clothes, the value of your education doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone on this earth. The light you give, the love you give, the soul you share with others . . . that is what matters; that is what counts.  I love fair skin and freckles. I love smooth dark skin. I love olive tones on some skin. I love Blue, Green and Hazel eyes , all the same, but beautifully different. I love men, I love women.

Someone in the grocery store today gave me a look. I fall into several diverse categories. I’m a woman. I’m of Latin descent. I’m obese. This man looked at me with disdain, nausea, disgust. Then he heard me speak. I’m 5 generation American. My English is impeccable and without accent. My Texas Southern Twang long gone since living in Florida. He looked away, huffed and rolled his eyes. The feeling in my gut at that moment was something I could not hold back.

I asked him if there was a problem. HE ignored me. I laughed. I was livid. So I asked again, at him directly to his face, “Sir, Is there a problem?”. My husband would say I’m problematic. FUCK THAT! This fat white bigot and all his trump-loving cronies are the fucking problematic ones. His answer, “Nope”. I smiled. “I didn’t think so”, I replied. Picked up my cheese and walked away with my head held high.

2 aisles down . . . Woman asking her son to tell her what something said (in Spanish). Her son struggles to read the label. He has to be about 6. I stop next to her and in Spanish, I ask what she’s looking for. As I’m speaking to her in my again, non-accented, impeccable Spanish, the man walks past. Staring at me. I smile and wave. He decides to look the other way. That’s right fucker, I’m a Spanish, Mexican, Native American mutt. I’m proud of it.

FUCK you! FUCK TRUMP! May the Gods, (old, new, many) bless this nation with peace, love and respect. I’m losing my patience. I’m losing my cool. That can’t happen.

Diversity is beautiful. Diversity is life.

 

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Selfish Altruist

0000000001I’m deeply saddened by the fact that being myself is something people look down upon. I like being nice to others, I enjoy helping people even when I have very little to give. I’m an altruist for selfish reasons. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me being kind to others. Yes, I work my butt off for the people who take me into their employ Yes I run to my friends side when she needs me. Yes I forgive those who have hurt me. I imagine that it would be difficult for me to live on carrying hate and anger around, for those who have wronged me. they already have to live with whatever it is they have done to me. Who am I to torment them with my indifference? Who am I to judge their decisions? I have made mistakes, I make mistakes every day. I’m FAR from perfect. Who are YOU to sit here and tell me that I need to stop being so nice to everyone? Who are you to say that that’s why I get screwed over? How am I getting “screwed” over? I’m at peace with myself.

The difference between me and everyone else is that I hate dwelling on shit. I made a mistake, I can’t take it back. I can apologize for hurting you. I can learn from it and move on. I cannot turn back time and undo whatever it is that I did to hurt you. I can’t even promise I won’t hurt you ever again. I am who I am, I am passionate, I’m sexual, I’m a free spirit.

I am who I am, you can either love me, ALL OF ME, or PLEASE just leave me be!

My absence . . . again

Pentagram with a circle around it

English: Wicca Blessing Symbol

 

 

My dearest friends and readers,

I know that I have been away for a while with minimum posts and few communications. I would really like to thank those of you who have continually checked in on my blog. Life has been giving me the usual ups and downs.  The difference is that life is going pretty well for me. I feel as though the reason is because I found my path again. My life has always been surrounded by magik. No matter where I go, what life I lead, magik will manifest from nothing.

Some say Jesus makes these things happen, others say that God will never lead you astray. I like to say that life has a balance and its own energy. We all have our own energy and what we chose to do with it is up to each of us. Wicca is the path I chose many years ago when I was trying to find my way.

Work has definitely been good to me. My job is turning in to my life and I love it! My employer is amazing and my co-workers are just as much. I can truly see myself here for a long time to come. Everyday I’m inspired to grow and move on up in the world.

Hector is well, I am well, we became pet parents in January to a beautiful Chorkie who I named Charlie Tango. Yes, he is named after a fictional Helicopter owned by the Fictional character Christian Grey in the love trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey.

Just wanted you all to have a little update . . . I have so much more to say but it’s so late 😦 I’ll be back this weekend after the holiday.

Many Blessings!
D

Don’t give up. . .

There are times when no matter what you do, or how hard you try at something you just can’t seem to get it right. It is in those times that you must stop take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s okay to lose a small battle or for the other team to score. You have to remember that life isn’t about winning or about being perfect. Life is about never EVER giving up. So your ten year plan turned into a 12 year plan, it’s a plan nonetheless. For the past two years, I have fought hard to work a full time job, go to school full time and have a full time relationship with someone who is not easy to be around sometimes. Today after four long hours of HW and finishing touches on my final, I realize that I may not pass my very first college course. Statistics kicked my freaking ass. I wanted to cry, I told myself “I’m good at math, this should have been easy” The truth is, Statistics is not easy, and math is only a small part of it. There is a lot of problem solving involved. I should have gotten ahead before I had the chance to get behind. I should not have procrastinated reading the chapters. Looking back over the last five weeks I could have been on Facebook a little less. I could have put off my ancestry search for another class. I could have put off Reading the second to the last book in the Sookie Stackhouse series for one more week. But did I? NO, I DID NOT!

So here I am, certain that I failed this class and there is nothing at this point that I can do about it. The only thing left to do is, hope that my darling gets a job in the next month or so. This way I can make payments toward retaking the class. Giving up is not an option especially because the failure was my own in every which way. Maybe I really just did need a long break. It’s hard going to school and working full time. This is the first class I thought I had in the bag that I was completely off about.

I’ll tell you one thing, I’m sure that the next time I go head to head with statistics, I’m going to show it exactly what I’m made of. I have to, quitting is not an option. Failing at my own dreams is not an option. I just have to work that much harder now to reach my goals. Shame on me. Shame on me for putting something in front what what should have been the very most important thing in my life. Shame on me for not putting me first.

So, what’s left, work, save money, work on my health and weight and mind until I have the money to continue my journey to being  D. Marlene Rodriguez, Ph.D. (or Psy.D.)

Why would you believe the sky is the limit, when there is an entire galaxy out there, just beyond the clouds. . .

Life as we know it . . .

The following was a status taken from the lovely Ms. Stefanie Saltos. 

 

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wel…lness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things. 

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete… 

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don’t send this to at least 8 people….Who cares?

George Carlin

 

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The Truth about Emotional Infidelity

A relationship, regardless of whether it is with a lover, friend or family member, should be based on trust and honesty. I mean think about it, if there is no trust then the very foundation of any relationship is unstable. In a society where it seems that even family is not indispensable, where the traditions of commitment and loyalty are long gone, why risk it?

Growing up we learned that honesty is the best policy, the truth may hurt but it will set you free and my all time favorite “La mentira dura, mientras la verdad aparece” which means, the lie lasts until the truth appears. But how much truth is too much? Is there such a thing? I think so.

Have you ever had a friend, I’m talking about a platonic regular old run of the mill friend, that you loved more than anything? Someone you could totally be the ass that you are around and they’d just laugh and tell you how stupid you are and then be an ass right with you? That friend who knows how really perverted you are and doesn’t judge you, not a single bit. . . A friend who knows how much you despise your boss, how much you miss your gammy and your about your secret affair with cars. . .

That friend who calls you baby, and pookie and isn’t trying to get in your pants. Asks you for a BJ but you know they are totally kidding because they just got laid three days ago (and yes they told you all about it). . . The one you pour your heart out to because you know they’re just going to look at you and tell you how fabulous you are. . .

I’m sure most if not all girls have one of these, and he’s either your best Gay, or just really your best guy friend. Is it wrong to have this outside of a relationship? I really don’t think so, but I heard more than once that I’m cheating emotionally on my BF. . . Blows my mind! I mean I love my BF, but I also love my friend. Is it the same kind of love? Absolutely not! Whole other level!!

This is the guy who makes your day and brings a smile to your face at the thought of seeing his face. Not that your BF doesn’t do this . . . It’s just different. You know that things with your friend aren’t heading to anywhere but where they are and you are okay with that.

I can’t help it he makes me smile. . . That doesn’t mean I’m cheating, does it? I mean my BF knows I’m friends with this guy and my BF knows mostly how much I talk to him. . . mostly . . . I mean it’s not like this guy has absolutely any interest in me nor do in him. . . We are strictly just friends, we plan to keep it that way and that’s the end of the story. . . But am I cheating? Have I crossed the line from just friends in to an emotional relationship of some sort?

Apparently Emotional infidelity is a very common occurrence. Some people cheat on their spouses with a colleague, their best friend, or sometimes even with their blog. . .  According to WikiPedia

An “emotional affair” is an affair, which excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy and can begin as innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart. Where one partner is in a committed monogamous relationship, an emotional affair is a type of chaste nonmonogamy withoutconsummation. When the affair breaches an agreement in the monogamous relationship of one of the partners to the affair, the term infidelity may be more apt.”

Further:

An emotional affair can be defined as follows’

“A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.”[1]

In this view, neither sexual intercourse nor physical affection is necessary to impact the committed relationship(s) of those involved in the affair. It is held that an emotional affair can injure a committed relationship more than a one night stand or other casual sexual encounters

What are some of the red lights that detect whether you are an emotional cheater?

  • You keep aspects of your intimate life for your “friend” and do not share them with your partner.
  • Your friendship shifts from platonic to romantic and you feel less connected to your partner.
  • You think about your friend most of the time and you fantasize about him or her even when you are making love with your partner.
  • You feel recognized, appreciated, even loved by your “friend” so you do not feel the need to connect to your partner. You feel a distance between you and your partner.
  • You withhold and “cut off” valuable aspects of who you are, particularly your intimate self and your intimate life from your partner. You stop having sex with your partner.
  • You discuss the things you don’t like about your spouse or your married life with your friend and not with your spouse.
  • You tell your “friend” more about what goes on regarding your workday and your work life than you do with your partner.
  • You feel as if your “friend” has your heart.
  • You are dishonest with your spouse about the extent of the friendship and feelings with and for your “friend.”
  • You would be embarrassed if your partner read the e-mails, notes, or eavesdropped on a conversation, or saw the way you interacted in person with your “friend.”
  • When you are with your “friend” your body language communicates that your feelings are stronger than friendship.
  • There is sexual tension and you can discuss it openly with your “friend.”

So, where does one draw the line? What if you do feel unappreciated? What if you are an emotional cheater? How do you stop? Is it possible to stop? What if you know that no matter what, you are never going to connect with your partner the way you connect on an emotional level with your friend, but you know that your friend will always stay your friend and you don’t want to lose your partner? What do you do?

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” – David B.

Men Who Don’t Provide

Throughout history men have always been the “superior sex”, they were the providers, Hence the phrase “Man of the House“. Men were typically stronger, faster and smarter. Since then, women have really made a mark in not only the US but in many countries were the battle for women’s equality has been fought for centuries.

Yesterday, after a long day of work, I stopped by my dear friend (We will call him Dan) Dan’s office to drop off some mail that arrive at my office for him and to chat about the events of the week. Somewhere along the conversation we started talking about my relationship with my boyfriend of eight years. He has hasn’t had a job for about 6 months now and apparently a couple of the girls in his office have guys who aren’t really working either. As girls we all joke about finding “Sugar daddy’s” to take care of the financial aspect that the love in our lives aren’t really stepping up to. I started thinking about all the Girlfriends I have that have men who don’t work. The head count is 6 not including me! My friend Dan likes to call them “Lazy”. Are they lazy or are they truly letting us take the reins? Financial matters have never been my strong suit. I’m a compulsive shopper, I don’t see the point of saving when I might die tomorrow. I mean I’ll save a little, like for a rainy day or for a small emergency. My boyfriend says I should at least put away 3 months worth of whatever my monthly expenses are. HA! That’s funny. If I die tomorrow who’s getting that money that I worked hard to get?

When it comes to decisions about moving or buying a car or even getting a pet, my loving boyfriend has always been the one to take over. I did all the cooking, cleaning laundry, shopping and all the fun things that make being a woman worth it. Hector (my BF) hasn’t had a job since Just before Thanksgiving of last year. He now stays home, cooks, cleans, does the laundry and sometimes does the shopping too. I however, get up early, go to work, pay all the bills including the rent. Stiff I never had to do in the past. Even living on my own, I always had a roommate who took care of paying everything so all I did was hand over the cash to them.

I know we fought and fight every day to be considered equals, but is this what it has come down to? Have we fought so hard that we are now switching the role of what “the man of the house” is? Are we ready to take the reins and become the head of household? Are we ready to take on the man’s role? Better yet, are men ready to let us? Are these men who have taken care of us, worked for us, defended us and all at the same time oppressed us ready for us to step in their shoes and take care of them? Provide for them? Work for them? Stand up for them?

Is it possible that we are evolving from a world where Men reign to a world where men and women reign equally? I men have we truly reached equality? I would like to think so. Many things point to this, take for example jobs, careers that were once considered  feminine, nurses, secretaries, receptionist, babysitters just to name a few. All of these are now being done by men. Real men, men who go to the gym, men who play basketball, men who golf. . . . Now look at careers that used to be considered masculine or “for men only“, engineers, senators, car repairmen (or should I say car repairwomen) and even yard and construction work. All these fields are now being flooded with women who excel incredibly at them.

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So, in a world where men used to provide, where do we stand as women? Are we now the new Man?

Girls are Evil

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Your silence makes me ill

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” ~ Sex and the City

Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. How is it possible, that the only man I have ever truly loved, can hurt me this much, simply by being silent?

Me: “Hi”

Him: “. . .”

Me: “You okay?”

Him: “. . . ”

Me: Frown . . . SMH

As I walk away form this conversation, I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I swallow hard so that I don’t shed a single one. Three days in a row of this silence. His face says it all but I know nothing of what it means. I’m not sure what happened between Saturday night and Sunday morning, but I woke up the man that I love was gone again and I was left with the shell of a man that I can’t stand to be with. It’s a “vicious cycle” as he once called it. He loves me. If he didn’t he’d have stayed long gone.

I think about when we first met, how we used to be so excited and anxious to be alone. Right now, being alone in the same room is tedious. He’s been through so much. He has so much going on in his head. I can feel the pain seeping through his pores. The pain of losing his identity, of losing himself, when he lost his mom. Olga, his best friend, his confidant, his go to girl. I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like. The worst part about it all is that although he misses his family sometimes, he is so hurt by them that he would NEVER seek them out. His mom was sacred, is sacred to him. He lived and breathed for her.

Some of you are probably wondering how any of that is my problem. Why should I worry he’s not my responsibility? right? You see, when I was down, when I was out, when I had NO ONE, not my mother, not my father, not my best friend, when I had nothing, no courage, no strength, no money, no job, and no will to carry me through, who was there? He was.

So on days like today, when I’m at my wits end because I have a paper due, I have work to do for an important organization, and I have to deal with the bordering panic attacks that come so suddenly, I don’t know how we will make it through. I just don’t have the patience for this anymore. I’m losing sleep, I’m stressing, and stretching myself thin as it is.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of just letting go. This silence is unwarranted and unwelcome. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried comforting. I’ve tried being silly. I’ve tried talking like an adult. I’ve tried playing bad cop, and being angry. I’ve tried being upset and crying. Nothing pushes back the silence. Sometimes it goes on for weeks. He won’t eat, he won’t sleep. I tried giving back the silent treatment, but it just kills me a little more inside.

So what do you do when nothing makes sense anymore and everything is a blur of unhappy moments? Do you let go of the only person you can count on? Is it a betrayal? A stab in the back? Should you just keep finding little kisses of patience to get you through every breaking moment? Should love ever be truly unconditional?

As I type I see a refereshed post from an old friend of mine:

“Don’t give up on the people you love. Your patient love and faithfulness may be exactly what they need to make a complete turnaround.”

I find this statement difficult to believe, if after 8 years a turnaround hasn’t even peeked at the horizon, who’s to say there is a horizon at all. . . Meanwhile the silence makes me ill

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