Life is hard, I never said it wasn’t. “A woman like me” is always expected to be strong, to hold it together in hard times, keep a smile on her face when life kicks you in the ass. I’m the friend people talk to for advice, I’m the woman who gives her all to make sure people around her have what they need. I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I buy the groceries, I pay the bills, I cook, I send packages, I sort mail, I take the dog to the groomer, I take the dog to the vet, I go to the doctor, I make coffee, I print menus, I update Facebook, I send out emails about ongoing stuff. My job never ends, I’m always working, at home, at work. I usually don’t complain, I stick it out with an occasional “Is it Friday yet?”
So, EXCUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME IF ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR I DECIDE TO HAVE A MELTDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I read comments on my profile like, “you are too smart” and “don’t say things like that” oh and my favorite “sad. a woman like you giving up” . . . First of all. . . Everyone needs to learn how to read. . . My exact post was “I wish I had the courage to slit my wrists . . .” As in I DON’T have the courage, as in I’m NOT going to. . . .
The post was followed by another emotionally charged post as follows: “For those of you who actually care, I’ll get through this, I always do. I always survive and make it work. No one knows the thoughts in my head. No one ever will. And if for some corruption in destiny, I don’t get through this, know that I’m blessed to have known each of you.” Please notice how I say ” . . . and if for some corruption in Destiny” as in, I know I have to be here, it isn’t my time yet, and my destiny is not fulfilled. Not to mention the fact that I said ” I’ll get through this” That was reason speaking through the haze of emotions.
I followed up by saying “I can’t even drown my sorrows in alcohol!!!! Then again, it’d be an easy way out. . . Lol damn there’s nothing that has ever been easy in my life. . . Even dying is a fucking mission. . . ” BREAKDOWN: I can’t drink because I am Diabetic and I take Insulin. Insulin + Alcohol = BAD. If I did drink, it could easily kill me. Killing oneself is not an easy feat.
Then someone, who clearly was worried I might end it all (Thank you for caring) calls the police. I was awoken at 11:30 PM by officers questioning whether I was going to kill myself or not. . .
I have to apologize to everyone who sincerely was worried about my well being. I truly appreciate the fact that you were concerned. I have no doubt in my mind who my real friends and family are.
Background: I have a history of depression. I have not really had to deal with it much in the past few years only Goddess (this is not a typo) knows why. The other night all those repressed emotions, anger, fear, disappointment, defeat . . . they overwhelmed me and my body literally hurt, my brain hurt, my heart hurt.
I’ve been through a lot of things, but the disappointment of not being able to get my medication, after all the things I go through and all the things I give up on a daily basis. It broke me. When my pharmacist told me that one of my medications had come back well over $200 I thought I was going to pass out. Turns out, one of my medications is $309.99 and the other is $385.99. To top it off, the test strips I need to test my blood sugar levels needed approval from my physician directly to the new pharmaceutical company that my insurance changed to. I have a couple of days worth of insulin left but I had 5 test strips. For someone who tests 3-4 times a day, yeah not so much. . .