I haven’t slept much these days. I feel like . . . as if the world is spinning so fast I’m going to fly off of it. I feel as though time is running from me. It’s a scary feeling. A wise person once told me that being brave and courageous had nothing to do with being fearless, and everything to do with pushing forward when all your fear wants you to do it cower and turn back to what’s comfortable.
I know this is going to be hard. Change is by no means easy. Sometimes I get so caught up in my routine that I forget to live. A good friend said to me today, ”Donica, forget about what has to be done, do what makes you happy. Everything else will find it’s way to you. Live. Live. Live.”
She’s so right. The problem is I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to LIVE, anymore. My world revolved around one person for so long that I don’t remember what it is I enjoy anymore. Everything I did was to please him. To make him happy.
VBefore him, I was alone, hurt and broken, on drugs and drinking heavily. Here I am, it’s two in the morning and I have to be up in four hours. My stomach is in knots and I feel like crying.
Since I was little I remember learning what it is to love, but no one ever teaches how to stop loving someone. How do you turn it off? How do you stop the pain? I tried forgetting with someone else. I tried drinking. The only other time I felt this way was before him, when I was alone and broken. Now I’m not alone, just lost.
I know where I’m going, I just don’t know the way. My life GPS is busted, or temporarily not in service.
WANTED: life GPS repair person, references requested, call for directions.
I guess I’ll sign off now.
Lost but eager,