“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” ~ Sex and the City
Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. How is it possible, that the only man I have ever truly loved, can hurt me this much, simply by being silent?
Him: “. . .”
Me: “You okay?”
Him: “. . . ”
Me: Frown . . . SMH
As I walk away form this conversation, I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I swallow hard so that I don’t shed a single one. Three days in a row of this silence. His face says it all but I know nothing of what it means. I’m not sure what happened between Saturday night and Sunday morning, but I woke up the man that I love was gone again and I was left with the shell of a man that I can’t stand to be with. It’s a “vicious cycle” as he once called it. He loves me. If he didn’t he’d have stayed long gone.
I think about when we first met, how we used to be so excited and anxious to be alone. Right now, being alone in the same room is tedious. He’s been through so much. He has so much going on in his head. I can feel the pain seeping through his pores. The pain of losing his identity, of losing himself, when he lost his mom. Olga, his best friend, his confidant, his go to girl. I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like. The worst part about it all is that although he misses his family sometimes, he is so hurt by them that he would NEVER seek them out. His mom was sacred, is sacred to him. He lived and breathed for her.
Some of you are probably wondering how any of that is my problem. Why should I worry he’s not my responsibility? right? You see, when I was down, when I was out, when I had NO ONE, not my mother, not my father, not my best friend, when I had nothing, no courage, no strength, no money, no job, and no will to carry me through, who was there? He was.
So on days like today, when I’m at my wits end because I have a paper due, I have work to do for an important organization, and I have to deal with the bordering panic attacks that come so suddenly, I don’t know how we will make it through. I just don’t have the patience for this anymore. I’m losing sleep, I’m stressing, and stretching myself thin as it is.
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of just letting go. This silence is unwarranted and unwelcome. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried comforting. I’ve tried being silly. I’ve tried talking like an adult. I’ve tried playing bad cop, and being angry. I’ve tried being upset and crying. Nothing pushes back the silence. Sometimes it goes on for weeks. He won’t eat, he won’t sleep. I tried giving back the silent treatment, but it just kills me a little more inside.
So what do you do when nothing makes sense anymore and everything is a blur of unhappy moments? Do you let go of the only person you can count on? Is it a betrayal? A stab in the back? Should you just keep finding little kisses of patience to get you through every breaking moment? Should love ever be truly unconditional?
As I type I see a refereshed post from an old friend of mine:
“Don’t give up on the people you love. Your patient love and faithfulness may be exactly what they need to make a complete turnaround.”
I find this statement difficult to believe, if after 8 years a turnaround hasn’t even peeked at the horizon, who’s to say there is a horizon at all. . . Meanwhile the silence makes me ill