I was a little sad on my birthday this year because my Grandma Juanita forgot my birthday for the very first time in 27 years. I cried a lot on my birthday. Hector and I got into a very bad argument and I didn’t get to see my sis and the baby.
Sometimes I wonder why things don’t go right for me. I tried working hard, that didn’t help. Tried praying, that didn’t work. I tried taking my life, that didn’t work either. Now I just sit back numb at life wondering what I did to deserve all of this bad karma. I feel like just when things start going good, something comes and screws it all up. Some would say it’s the devil tryin to get me down.
All my life, I have been so alone, depending on no one but myself. Drugs and alcohol were my best friends for a long time and that didn’t help me either. At least then I wasn’t so depressed about my life because I was to busy having fun with my so-called friends. Now, I have a great job in Downtown Fort Lauderdale, I live a block west of the beach and half a block south of the Pier in a part of town called Lauderdale-by-the-Sea, my friends say ‘what more do you want’.
The truth is I don’t even think I know what I want myself, a man who loves me for who I am. I mother who is responsible, honest and loving. Sisters who don’t judge me for my past and love me for who I am now. Friends that I can count on for anything – anytime. To be 80 pounds lighter. To be there for my baby sister and her newborn baby girl financially and emotionally because no one else is there for her. Better yet, I would ask for my family to be supportive of her so that she doesn’t feel like her life is over. To get through school and set an example for my siblings.
That’s what more I could ask for. Notice I don’t ask for more money or car or a house. I just want the simple things in life. The basics. How hard can it be? I’m not asking for nice hair or long nails. Love, honesty, loyalty and friendship is all I want.
I’ve talked to my friends, talked to myself, I talked to God and prayed like hell but I can’t fix me. I feel like a sad country love song. . .