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A Witch's Path. . .

a path worth taking. . .

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December 2011

The Last Goodbye

I don’t even know what to say. . . So I’ll say this, in the words of Lyfe Jennings

“Goodbye”

[Verse 1]
Sometimes makin up is easier than breakin up
We believe if we just fake it enough
We can trick our selves into believin that we’re still in love
But in our harts we know that it’s inevitable
Though it’s hard to let you go I know I must

[Verse 2]
Sometimes memories just ain’t enough
Sometimes you out grow the ones you love
Sometimes it’s none of the above
It’s just the fact that people change
No one’s to blame
There ain’t nothin that stays the same
So we sit around and cry
Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say
Goodbye

[Verse 3]
Sometimes givin 2nd chances is easier than dealing with the fact that
Once the trust is gone you could never get it back
But your holdin on because your afraid of bein alone
So here you are holdin on to somethin thats already gone
And don’t act like it’s the first time you’ve heard it in this song
Cause your heart done told you all along

If your momma done showed you right from wrong
No thing should hold you down this long
There’s no one to blame nothin stays the same
So we sit around and cry because neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye
So let me be the first to say…GOODBYE!

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The End

For the past 8 years, we have shared our entire lives with each other, the good, the bad the beautiful the ugly. A bed, stupid movies, dumb TV shows, sporting events, shooting pool, cooking together, eating together, walking the beach, walking to the store at 1 am cuz he “need a forty”, traveling halfway across the country to be with my family, traveling back to start over, breaking up, getting back together, having a car, being on foot, losing a child, him losing his parents, me realizing no one will ever be there for me more than he was, him realizing I will never change, me realizing he will never change, accepting each other for who we are, deciding that who we are isn’t what either of us needs.

So here I sit, alone and thinking about what I could have done to change, what more could I have done. . . No one can or ever will be able to erase the memory of this man who made a real woman out of a young girl. No one will ever be able to replace the love that we made. I will never let anyone become my whole world as he did. I will never let my heart be this vulnerable or weak.

I wonder how long it’s going to take me:

I wonder how long it’s going to take me:

to smile genuinely again

to love this deeply

to think clearly

to forget the sound of his voice

to forgive all the pain we caused each other

to not cry myself to sleep at night

to not think of him every day

to laugh at my own jokes again

to not look for him in a crowded place

to not reach out for him in bed

to not want to text him I love you for no reason

to walk in my place and expect to see him on the couch

to cook only for one

to hold my head up high

to think of him and smile instead of cry

to watch a game and not think of him

to eat anything and not think of him

Goodbye

I truly think that he is leaving. . . He has taken inventory of all his things and found the duffel bag. He’s made several phone calls but taken them outside. I’m a little nervous. I haven’t been alone or on my own in quite sometime.  . . . . OK nervous is an understatement. . . I AM TERRIFIED. I can feel the pit of my stomach balling up like a fist. I know that we haven’t been ‘together’ for a bit now, but he’s still been here on the couch everyday and I hear the TV he’s watching. I hear him shuffle into the bathroom at night. I know I’m going to fall but I don’t know how hard or how long it will take me to get back up. I’m going to do what I do best! Smile and keep my head up like all of the other beautifully strong women in my family!

I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes because even though we have been broken up deep down inside I was hoping that we could work it out like we have so many times before. My heart hoped and prayed we could make this work for the last 8 years, but my head knows this is a dead end and I’m going no where and neither is he.

We wake up everyday and fall into the same boring routine. I cook and clean and work and go to school. He works, takes out the trash and watches sports on Television. this is not who I am at all.

For those of you who knew me before he came into my life, you know, I’m a social animal and I love people and being at parties and hanging out with people who laugh and have a good time. Since I met him, I cry and think about who I used to be and the dreams I had for many years of becoming a volunteer and working with teenagers and a handful of other things.

He has become my whole world more than once and I think this time, now that I live in a great affordable apartment and have a wonderful job with great people in my life, I’m finally ready to just let go.

I’m scared, there is no doubt about that, but I know I can make it. I know I can be on my own and not turn back. Do I love him? Of course I do. I may always love him. Sometimes, love is just not enough.

So, here comes goodbye. . . Brace yourselves. . .

What more could I ask for. . .

I was a little sad on my birthday this year because my Grandma Juanita forgot my birthday for the very first time in 27 years. I cried a lot on my birthday. Hector and I got into a very bad argument and I didn’t get to see my sis and the baby.
Sometimes I wonder why things don’t go right for me. I tried working hard, that didn’t help. Tried praying, that didn’t work. I tried taking my life, that didn’t work either. Now I just sit back numb at life wondering what I did to deserve all of this bad karma. I feel like just when things start going good, something comes and screws it all up. Some would say it’s the devil tryin to get me down.
All my life, I have been so alone, depending on no one but myself. Drugs and alcohol were my best friends for a long time and that didn’t help me either. At least then I wasn’t so depressed about my life because I was to busy having fun with my so-called friends. Now, I have a great job in Downtown Fort Lauderdale, I live a block west of the beach and half a block south of the Pier in a part of town called Lauderdale-by-the-Sea, my friends say ‘what more do you want’.
The truth is I don’t even think I know what I want myself, a man who loves me for who I am. I mother who is responsible, honest and loving. Sisters who don’t judge me for my past and love me for who I am now. Friends that I can count on for anything – anytime. To be 80 pounds lighter. To be there for my baby sister and her newborn baby girl financially and emotionally because no one else is there for her. Better yet, I would ask for my family to be supportive of her so that she doesn’t feel like her life is over. To get through school and set an example for my siblings.
That’s what more I could ask for. Notice I don’t ask for more money or car or a house. I just want the simple things in life. The basics. How hard can it be? I’m not asking for nice hair or long nails. Love, honesty, loyalty and friendship is all I want.
I’ve talked to my friends, talked to myself, I talked to God and prayed like hell but I can’t fix me. I feel like a sad country love song. . .

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