I don’t know what to do with all of these emotions, I don’t want to feel all of this anymore. You are th only person I have ever loved like this. You are the only person who has been there for me unconditionally. You are all I have. I’m sorry that I’ve never had anyone there for me so I don’t know how to appreciate what you do for me. I’m sorry that I have never loved anyone like this so I don’t know how to show you I love you. I’m sorry that all I have ever had is myself to worry about so I don’t take your feelings into consideration. I don’t want to “ruin you life” for the next seven years. I don’t want to deal with these feelings for the next seven, ten or fifty years. I know I lived and breathed before you, but I worked to drink and do drugs and I did drugs to suppress all of these feelings. I have never lied, I do love you I love you so much it makes me crazy. It makes me insane! There is so much passion in the way I feel for you that it hurts. I idolize you and you are my world. I’ve cried and cried trying to understand these feelings but I just can’t I’ve prayed to the God tat everyone seems to believe in but has done absolutely nothing to cure my disease. Nothing. Nothing works for this illness. I swore that I would never be like my mother but here I am, can’t seem to get other all of this and depend on you for emotional support I depend on you to fix me and it is sooo unfair to you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this psychosis, no one should. When I’m with you I’m crazy and reckless and irrational. I can’t feel like this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. but I don’t know how to leave, I don’t know how to make myself quit. I don’t know how to give up like so many have given up on me. I think so fast I can’t focus. My mind is racing and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings. they are too much. I’m overwhelmed with all these things I don’t understand. I’m afraid to die and that is the only reason I haven’t taken my life. I’m afraid that there is a hell and that I will end up there. although I’m sure there is no worse torture than being with someone and feeling this alone. I pull at my hair and bite at my lip, I hit the wall and throw it all away. When I’m not with you I’m okay, the sanity comes back and the crazy goes away. I can breathe because when I’m with you I’m breathless. You are the worst best thing that has ever happened to me. I will never be with anyone like this again. I have learned that this is not the way to feel or live. I have to let go but I’m afraid of the fall. I just can’t cope and yes I need help I need help dealing with this love for you with this insane obsession to make you happy. My only release is food and shopping my two worst addictions. Being with you I will go bankrupt and die of complications from obesity. I can see it now, no one at the funeral for the fat woman who loved you too much. WHY?!! Why did I have to meet you, why did I have to love you?!!! Why?!! Why do you make me crazy, why do I not get it? the world may never know. . .

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