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A Witch's Path. . .

a path worth taking. . .

Month

January 2011

Random Writing continued (spanish)

1/27/11

Que pena me da

que triste es

que dolor me causa

que no puedes ver

las lagrimas y el dolor

que siente mi corazon

al ver que te alejas de mi

como cada dia me haces sufrir

y aunque siempre te amare

me vas a perder

tu indiferencia es mi enemiga

tu silencio como un cancer

que poco a poco me va matando

por cada lagrima que ya rodo

por cada vez que se partio mi corazon

ten por seguro que tendras tu karma

y Papa Dios sanara mi alma

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Random writing (spanish)

01/20/11

ya no somos felizes

pues te dejo

te dejo mi vida

te dejo mi ultimo suspiro

mi ultimo aliento

te dejo my corazon

que solo por ti late

me voy lejos

me voy vacia

sin nada nada

hacia la soledad

ya eres libre

para ser quien eres

ya sin restricciones

sin nadie pa quitarte el tiempo

me voy

sin alma . . .

te la dejo

es tuya

me largo

en un camino sin final

una vida eterna

de lagrimas

y tristeza

me voy te dejo todo de mi

hojala y no te arrepientas porque cuando me busces ya no estare mas no me volveras a encontrar en este mundo

 

Random writing

1/19/11

I don’t want flowers

wine isn’t what I need

not interested in luxury

Don’t want a fancy car

or a condo on the beach

babe I just want you with me

why cant we be good

not just be okay

why arent we doing great

loving everyday

open up your heart

just let me come on in

don’t need a new start

but don’t want this us to end

Dear Mom, I’m Sorry. . .

I’m writing this letter from the deepest part of my heart and with the biggest love I have. I want you to know that I am very very sorry for what I have done in my life to make you so miserable. I’m sorry that my father was an asshole and did whatever he may have done. I’m sorry that Grandma didn’t raise you and wasn’t able to be there like she should have been. I’m sorry you were abused as a child. I’m sorry people betrayed you and used you. I’m sorry that you turned to drugs, alcohol and other things to kill the pain you felt in your heart. I’m sorry I was born when you were so young and you didn’t know how to care for me. I’m sorry that you had to bring me back in your life when I was ten and I was a total stranger. I’m sorry I turned into your husband toy of choice. I’m sorry I conceived his child at 14. I’m sorry you had to decide to get rid of that baby. I’m sorry I almost kicked Chris out of your belly when I didn’t know you were pregnant with him. I’m sorry I turned into a terrible teenager who lived to hate you. I’m sorry I wound up at Brookwood. I’m sorry I told the counselors about your husband before I told you. I’m sorry he convinced you I was lying. I’m sorry The girls had to go to Mexico to live so they wouldn’t be taken away. I’m sorry they hate me. I’m sorry He lied. I’m sorry you didn’t believe me. I’m sorry I came back in your life. I’m sorry you married him. I’m sorry he degrades you. I’m sorry he is in your life. I’m sorry you are so far away and I can’t help you. I’m sorry I try so hard to make you proud. I’m sorry your dependent on him. I’m sorry I can never do enough. I’m sorry you love him. I’m sorry I loved him. I’m sorry to do this. . . . But most important of all. . .

I’m sorry to say that I can’t live my life with you in it anymore, I can’t live my life trying to help you be a better person. I Love You! I’m sorry you can’t love me they way I love you. God Bless you always.

Goodbye,

My Insane. . . .

I don’t know what to do with all of these emotions, I don’t want to feel all of this anymore. You are th only person I have ever loved like this. You are the only person who has been there for me unconditionally. You are all I have. I’m sorry that I’ve never had anyone there for me so I don’t know how to appreciate what you do for me. I’m sorry that I have never loved anyone like this so I don’t know how to show you I love you. I’m sorry that all I have ever had is myself to worry about so I don’t take your feelings into consideration. I don’t want to “ruin you life” for the next seven years. I don’t want to deal with these feelings for the next seven, ten or fifty years. I know I lived and breathed before you, but I worked to drink and do drugs and I did drugs to suppress all of these feelings. I have never lied, I do love you I love you so much it makes me crazy. It makes me insane! There is so much passion in the way I feel for you that it hurts. I idolize you and you are my world. I’ve cried and cried trying to understand these feelings but I just can’t I’ve prayed to the God tat everyone seems to believe in but has done absolutely nothing to cure my disease. Nothing. Nothing works for this illness. I swore that I would never be like my mother but here I am, can’t seem to get other all of this and depend on you for emotional support I depend on you to fix me and it is sooo unfair to you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this psychosis, no one should. When I’m with you I’m crazy and reckless and irrational. I can’t feel like this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. but I don’t know how to leave, I don’t know how to make myself quit. I don’t know how to give up like so many have given up on me. I think so fast I can’t focus. My mind is racing and I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings. they are too much. I’m overwhelmed with all these things I don’t understand. I’m afraid to die and that is the only reason I haven’t taken my life. I’m afraid that there is a hell and that I will end up there. although I’m sure there is no worse torture than being with someone and feeling this alone. I pull at my hair and bite at my lip, I hit the wall and throw it all away. When I’m not with you I’m okay, the sanity comes back and the crazy goes away. I can breathe because when I’m with you I’m breathless. You are the worst best thing that has ever happened to me. I will never be with anyone like this again. I have learned that this is not the way to feel or live. I have to let go but I’m afraid of the fall. I just can’t cope and yes I need help I need help dealing with this love for you with this insane obsession to make you happy. My only release is food and shopping my two worst addictions. Being with you I will go bankrupt and die of complications from obesity. I can see it now, no one at the funeral for the fat woman who loved you too much. WHY?!! Why did I have to meet you, why did I have to love you?!!! Why?!! Why do you make me crazy, why do I not get it? the world may never know. . .

Loneliness, drugs and memories. . .

Another day goes by and although I shouldn’t, I think of my mother. I think about how much I miss her and how much I need her everyday. I feel empty and alone inside, a feeling that I have had for a long long time and no matter who comes in my life or who tells me that it will be ok I can’t fill up. I think about my life and wonder what the hell I did to deserve this, to deserve feeling this way and being this way. Food seems to be my only comfort. I don’t drink alcohol much anymore but that used to help along with the many other things I tried a ong the way. I had been clean for about two years I relapsed in Texas but moving to South Florida I cleaned up again. Cocaine is not an adictionof mine just something I use when the pain gets too bad, when the lonely gets too lonely. I’m almost at that point again, but I refuse to let myself get there. The difference this time is that I talk about it. Before I held all that emptiness inside and opened up to no one. I trusted no one. Everyone just saw this dumb happy fat girl. I’m changing, evolving slowly into a new person, someone who knows that being strong is good but being hard can break you. Someone who knows that even though all she ever wanted in life was a family, she may never have that. I dedicated my life to working my ass off and for what. . . everytime I had enough to get up off my knees and start walking again, someone came along and needed me. There I was again, down-and-out with no one to help me pick up the pieces. So, I’ve isolated myself from the people I care for the most and I’m searching for ways to make me better. Looking for a new horizon next to the man who has helped build me up and the man who never left my side even when he should have run in the other direction. He didn’t know, he had no idea what was locked inside me, he had no clue what was about to come crashing down in his lap. Because on the surface there was a spunky little 19 year old, seemingly full of life and ready for anything. The man who still tries not only to be my friend and lover but has to step in and play dad once in a while when I’m taking the wrong direction again. I feel badly for him. I feel like I don’t deserve him, like he doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this emotional mess. But he does, I’ve asked him why and there is never an answer. Sometimes I wonder how tired he is, because God and I both know he is tired. Hell, I’m tired! I’m just glad he doesn’t have to live with the person I am deep down who I no longer let out EVER. The person no one who currently knows me has had the dis-pleasure of meeting. Only a few have met that monster and they aren’t around to tell the story. I feel bad that I burned them out of my life, a bridge that can NEVER NEVER be rebuilt. I have no one to blame, no one to point the finger at. Not my mother, or my father, not even God. . . I just live with it. I deal with it. Those memories will never leave me, they are always there, in the middle of the night when I’m in my deepest sleep, they are there. I’m just glad they will never come back to life, those memories. Memories the will remain forever.  . .

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