Feeling really discouraged and stressed. . . So many thing have been going on I just don’t know where the hell to start. . . I guess I can start with the good stuff. . . Since my last post I moved back in with the ONLY person that has come in my life that has ever really really been there for me in everyway. . . I got a temporary job back at the law firm I was working at before which means weekends off . . . Still going to school and passed my last two classes with an A-. I’m alive, I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and clothes on my back which is all alot more than some people have. . . . .
Then there’s the fact that I have no car, so my commute to my temporary job is just about 2 hours. This doesn’t leave me much time for anything in the daytime. The job I have is very very boring and repetitive. Getting to work and school takes up most of my time and I see Hector only a few minutes Monday through Friday and on the weekends cuz he works nights. . . . I tried to remedy the school stress (without quitting again) by trying to take my classes online until I can get a job closer to home or get a car; turns out its a hell of a lot more work I have to do online than when I take in house classes and without a computer at home this is just going to add to my commute and time away from home. . . My mom is about to be homeless, my little sister is about to get married in Mexico to get away from her fathers family, my brother just got sentenced to a pretty long ass time in prison and I just can’t seem to stop gaining weight!!!! I don’t eat a lot I don’t eat unhealthy and without any health insurance it costs a fortune ( I don’t have) to go to the damn doctor ( and God knows I don’t need another medical bill on my credit) . . . . on top of it all, I have to put this FAKE ASSS smile on my face, grin and bear it, with no one who understands that I can talk to, because Hector, God bless him, had a loving mostly normal family so he has no idea what it’s like to have a mother that does nothing besides feel sorry for herself and put her hand out for people to help her because she really has known no other life. . . Has no idea what it’s like for my sibling to hate me because their father decided that a 13 yr old was ripe/dumb enough to convince, that her mother didn’t love her and that he could give her a life she could otherwise only dream of and then deny having anything to do with such a calamity!! Soooo needless to say I can’t really talk to him. . . I pray and pray and pray but somehow things just seem to get worse and worse. .. . now, normally I would suck it up and put myself in everyone else’s shoes like i always do. . . but FUCK THAT!!!!!! I just can’t do it anymore, I need to vent, I need someone to listen . . . I don’t want anyoneto try and fix anything I just need someone to listen and not say a damn thing to nod ocassionally to let me know they’re fuckig paying attention, to not sit there in my FACE and JUDGE ME!!!
I’m a good person, I give myself to people way too much, Hector says I need to just try and do for myself for a while, but the minute one of my friends come to me for a shoulder or my mom needs comfort because the life she chose is shit and slowly falling apart, or some random person needs something a little extra from me—– there I go because deep down inside I kow that someday all of the good things I do for others will pay off and one day I will be able to look in the mirror andd like who I see regardless of what I see because one day God is going to forgive me for all of my stupidities and I will be Happy!!!!
I’m soooo sorry I had to get it out like this. I’m shocked that I’m not crying as I write this. . . If you wanna delete me or block me or hide me from your friends by all means DO IT!!! Truth is from now on I’m reeally not going to give a rats ass. . . Dr. Seuss once wrote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
|So, I may not know where I stand but I am standing, I may not know where to go but I’m going somewhere, I may not know where the road leads but I’m still walking and if anyone wants to walk along side feel free. . . I’m a strong enough person to kow that this too will pass. Life and love are about sacrifice and patience. If you are truly my friend, you will see this as just a little venting session. If you aren’t I’ll know, because your reactionn will tell me. . . For right now, I’m doing me and only God can judge me.|